Salty's Guide To: The Surfer Lifecycle

the life cycle of a surfer

As a surfer its vitally important you understand the changes your lifestyle and body will experience during the awkward juncture between kookdom and total surfing mastery. Hair in strange places, voice cracking. Y'know the drill, and Salty understands your pain. Here's what you should expect.

Week 1: You suck. It's actually kind of unreal just how monstrously bad you are. You might as well be a newborn made entirely out of pie for all the impact you're having on where the ocean takes you. Despite your best efforts at forward propulsion, all your board does is complacently float in place. You try to casually sit on your ride so people won't notice your flailing inability to catch waves, but your attempts at rudimentary balance are foiled as your board tosses you off like a sack of rocks every time you so much as blink.

Week 3: After doing nothing but paddling for weeks on end, with no results, your shoulders are now the strongest part of your body. You use them to crush stubborn canned goods against your apartment walls when you're hungry. Your constant defeat at the hands of the ocean have caused you to rename it "The Obstacle" and you are constantly shooting angry glares in its general direction to let it know that you're onto its crafty trickery. Sometimes a wave will slap you in the face hard enough to cause you shoot forward in manner that looks like you know what you're doing. You know the truth. You cry yourself to sleep in your secret shame.

Week 20: You suddenly develop super powers. You look at a tiny ripple on the horizon and lock on, terminator-like to the ones that will turn into waves coming at the perfect velocity and size. You now find yourself judging people by the shape, contour, and design of their surfboards; well before they open their mouths. You find yourself increasingly irritated at the large flocks of clueless newbies who seem only to serve as slow moving, heat seeking road blocks on your quest to shred the perfect wave.

Week 50: By now, your body has been retooled to process salt water as a form of nutrition. This new diet grants you the superhuman ability to wake up at 4am to catch waves...and immediately lose all motivation to engage other pursuits no matter how critical they are to your continued survival. You talk exclusively in surfer terminology, irrespective of the context.

Week 95: The dried sea salt from previous surfing excursions now forms a thick protective carapace around your body rendering you invulnerable to all external assaults. You are universally mistaken for a Twilight vampire due to the incessant sparkling. Your friends and family invite you over in lieu of purchasing seasoning for their food.

Week 150: Your hair has developed sentience. It now helps you paddle and chat up female surfers.

Week 400: Your unceasing presence in the ocean has caused you to generate stupid amounts of rapport with all sea dwelling creatures and elements. Your uncanny ability to control all aquatic life forms has caused a collection of island nation states to recognizes you as a minor deity, to be prayed to for a good shrimp harvest. When wounded, you bleed surf wax. It's a little gross. You wish it would stop.

Garek Hurt
Garek Hurt


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