There are some other "guides" out there claiming to be able to teach you how to become a better surfer. I'm here to tell you that's a load of crock. Technique? Working out?! PFAH! That's how kooks do it. Want to learn the secret arts of surfing that'll ratchet up your shredding to unholy levels? Ole Salty’ll show you how it's done.
7) Learn by riding the smallest, pointiest shortboard you can find. Preferably one that doesn’t quite support your body weight and maximizes the challenges of surfing. It doesn’t matter if you can’t catch waves, as long as you look rad.
6) Don’t use a leash. It’s called a kook cord for a reason. People like it when your board shoots across the water and embeds itself in their skeletal structure. Chicks dig eyepatches.
5) Drop in on other surfers. How can they respect what they don't fear? Step 1: show them your flagrant disregard for their precious "surf etiquette". Step 2: reap doe-eyed approval.
4) Troll surf forums. Accuse everyone who has a different opinion of being a kook with kook parts. No exceptions. This will help solidify your PRO status and street cred. Who needs to surf when you can spend your time cramming your self-proclaimed expertise down the throats of random strangers?
3) Stalk other surfers—young, old, tall, small—don’t discriminate. Vacantly float around in their general proximity so they have to bail constantly to avoid killing you. If they can't surf, they can't be better than you.
2) Be a brand groupie. If it isn't Rusty, ...Lost, or Al Merrick, don't let it touch your sweet bod. Don't even affiliate with people who don't use the same brands you do. They don't understand surfing the way you do, brah.
1) Don't practice. That's time you could be using in reverent worship of Poseidon, god of the seven seas—and Poseidon rewards the faithful
There you have it... go and dominate!
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