SALTY'S GUIDE TO: 7 Steps to Total Surf Domination

There are some other "guides" out there claiming to be able to teach you how to become a better surfer. I'm here to tell you that's a load of crock. Technique? Working out?! PFAH! That's how kooks do it. Want to learn the secret arts of surfing that'll ratchet up your shredding to unholy levels? Ole Salty’ll show you how it's done.

7) Learn by riding the smallest, pointiest shortboard you can find. Preferably one that doesn’t quite support your body weight and maximizes the challenges of surfing. It doesn’t matter if you can’t catch waves, as long as you look rad.

6) Don’t use a leash. It’s called a kook cord for a reason. People like it when your board shoots across the water and embeds itself in their skeletal structure. Chicks dig eyepatches.

5) Drop in on other surfers. How can they respect what they don't fear? Step 1: show them your flagrant disregard for their precious "surf etiquette". Step 2: reap doe-eyed approval.

4) Troll surf forums. Accuse everyone who has a different opinion of being a kook with kook parts. No exceptions. This will help solidify your PRO status and street cred. Who needs to surf when you can spend your time cramming your self-proclaimed expertise down the throats of random strangers?

3) Stalk other surfers—young, old, tall, small—don’t discriminate. Vacantly float around in their general proximity so they have to bail constantly to avoid killing you. If they can't surf, they can't be better than you.

2) Be a brand groupie. If it isn't Rusty, ...Lost, or Al Merrick, don't let it touch your sweet bod. Don't even affiliate with people who don't use the same brands you do. They don't understand surfing the way you do, brah.

1) Don't practice. That's time you could be using in reverent worship of Poseidon, god of the seven seas—and Poseidon rewards the faithful

There you have it... go and dominate!


Garek Hurt
Garek Hurt

Author



11 Comments

Jody Balckwell aka Pirate
Jody Balckwell aka Pirate

May 07, 2014

cool stuff been surfing for 50 years and teaching our life style for 37 years but it is still cool stuff thanks mate

Neonbay
Neonbay

May 07, 2014

Nothing much has changed in forty years. Just more inconsiderate so called surfers. No forums years ago, the leash was homemade out of surgical cord, and everyone had longboards. Now it appears rudeness increases in direct proportion to the size of the board which correlates to a surfer’s IQ. Bring back the “good old days” when we had 35 pound boards and dropping in on someone could really do some damage and a loose board was a major hazard. Give me a big day at Cardiff or Swami’s where good surfers gather and beginners are smart enough to stay on the beach and watch. Bring back the 70’s and 80’s. Amen!

Robert
Robert

May 07, 2014

Salty,

This would be real funny if it was not reality.

Bob

Dave
Dave

May 07, 2014

Wow, I’ve been doing it all wrong all of this time! I promise to commit these 7 rules to memory and follow them religiously so I don’t screw up any more. Wonder if degree33 has any small pointy boards on sale … I’ll have to get rid of my 2 longboards I bought from them. Can I get a refund on my leashes?

Tubby
Tubby

May 07, 2014

Thanks Salty, great advice!!!!

Have been surfing for a couple weeks and already have most of your pointers down!!!!

chris wynn
chris wynn

May 07, 2014

I have been dominating for years now and frankly, the guy who wrote this just took a play from my book on crushing the competition, don’t appreciate it brah…..just kidding this is an awesome post made me laugh so hard!

sacred waters
sacred waters

May 07, 2014

Drop in on other surfers. How can they respect what they don’t fear? Best Line EVER. that is some funny stuff. …and as for #3, it really works like a dream if you make no attempt to move what so ever, and then cop a major attitude cause someone got too close to your precious stick. … and be sure to let them know, they have no business surfing the sets anyway. Man that really gets them.

Chris West
Chris West

May 07, 2014

What you forgot is yanking the leash of real surfers when they go by so they drop to their knees and lose the wave. Nothing talks intimidation like knowing some F**ng grom is going to do that when you go by. Actually it makes me aim my board for their cranium on the next wave and “accidently” fall off; shooting the board at a speed usually clocked with major league fastballs at the offender. Fun times!

Grant
Grant

May 07, 2014

I think I’ve met Salty and ALL his friends over the years. Being a “Silverback” (old gorilla) surfer, I’ve been through all the changes in surfing — from longboards, to miniboards, to “fun boards”; from single fin, to twin fin, to tri-fins. (The only thing I haven’t surfed on personally is a quad-fin Fish.) Salty and his friends come in all ages and usually travel in packs because they’re NOT man enough to do these things individually and stand up to you without a “pack” BACKING THEM UP.

Good surfin’

Grant
Ghaleb
Ghaleb

May 07, 2014

Well Salty, I am going to take your advice a step further and use my old boogie board as a surf board since it would technically be the shortest ever. That will definitely scare away the other surfers.. Haha!
I am somewhat guilty of being a “Brand groupie” as a have been telling a lot of my friends about Degree33 boards and their good and friendly service. What do you think? Should I stop doing that?

Regina
Regina

May 07, 2014

Wow salty thanks.
I followed your rules except # 1 coudnt
help myself,just had to be on the water.
But folowing yr rules especially when using
my sup board finally got me noticed.
People were yelling and screaming at me.
Couldn’t catch what they said was to interested
in dropping into every wave. But I never heard
so much cheering in all my life,even saw
raised fists.felt like I was a rock star.
Later I was told never to surf there again.
I know that was just jelousy talking,I made those
other surfers look like kooks. Can 33 make
me a really short skinny sup board, with almost
no floatation,the feel off water on my feet
and legs will make me feel closer to posidine
Thanx salty…great reminder to us all,in a nicely
done sarcast schtic way!
o

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